if this were a love poem

I might say once you sprinkled constellations
in my eyes and scales went crazy
because my smallness could not hold
all of what was blooming
if this were a love poem
which it isn’t
so I won’t

I could mention your name was my mantra
for desire, whispered and rolled
under my tongue like a secret
a sweet one
if this were a love poem
which it isn’t
so I won’t

I could tell how the magic
of our meeting belled and rang
in a promise unrealized
and faded to silence
if this were a love poem
which it isn’t
so I won’t

this can’t be a poem
about a feeling that almost was
but never became
and so it’s not

About Susan L Daniels

I am a firm believer that politics are personal, that faith is expressed through action, and that life is something that must be loved and lived authentically--or why bother with any of it?
This entry was posted in New Free Verse and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

54 Responses to if this were a love poem

  1. jmgoyder says:

    I get this to the point of tears – I really know.

  2. Now this i really really like. I simply do. No explanation.

  3. Pretty much in unison with the other comments.. I liked A LOT.

  4. unfetteredbs says:

    oh yes it is..sweetly painfully so Susan. Spoken from the heart as always…and wonderful as always

    • Thank you Audra. The sigh that mourns buried potential–if you will forgive me for sounding a bit academic here 🙂

      Anyway, I had to try to write around a feeling, and I did like the result, and am glad you “got” it.

  5. ruleofstupid says:

    Yep. I love the effect (which probably has a special name) where you write “there were no birds”, and know the reader is now thinking of birds, so showing the absence offers a form of presence.
    Anyway, pretentious wank aside, you’ve used that device here beautifully to create something quite aching.
    #34 #7b – to disinter an old gag 🙂

    • LOL, I LOVE pretentious wanking, so wank away. Oh, that just does not sound RIGHT…

      Wanking aside, glad you liked this. I used the device here, but what the HELL is the pretentious name for it? Now that will drive me crazy. I just call it “writing around a feeling,” but that’s too many words. Oh, thanks for reviving that gag–I didn’t know I was missing it until you used it. #4D right back at you

    • Mike–here it is, in all its pretension:

      Apostrophe (pronounced just like the punctuation mark) describes the act of addressing a person or thing that is absent. It is far more common than you realize.

  6. annotating60 says:

    Susan I really liked this. it is very strong. But if I may put my foot in my mouth., you should lose the last two lines in each stanza, as well as the final litle stanza altogether. The two line are superfluous and redundant and steal power from what proceeds it. The last stanza tarnishes the beauty of the rest of the poem.Sorry. But it is a very good piece of writing.>KB

  7. Pingback: If this were a response to your love poem – poem inspired by a poem | Stephen Kellogg's Blog

  8. Matthew says:

    So wonderful. Sits perfectly within winter. Reading on repeat.

  9. Reblogged this on visionvoiceandviews and commented:
    How to say it without saying it! Beautiful.

  10. the art of saying it in beautifully controlled steps of gentle un-peelings and denials – attributes and indicators are recognized and described and then denied. Lovely love poem, Susan

    If human palms
    were this large,
    broad and bold enough
    to hold and wrap around
    the moon
    cover and conceal its glow
    would the moon not still shine, smile
    even enclosed and enfolded

    I bet it would and it wouldn’t
    but I bet its rays would still leak out
    peek out , stream forth
    to speak out
    that love sings best
    when it sings least
    that love sings best,
    when we deny
    the surging beating rhythms
    of its songs
    in our beating hearts

  11. claudia says:

    ah…tight emotions in this…such a shame that it never became…it sounds like it would’ve been a wonderful love story…and a wonderful love poem… dang on the almost…ugh..

  12. nelle says:

    Why am I hearing Shari Lewis singing ‘This is the poem that never was…’

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