the spin of it (karousel draft for Dverse)

He says for me everything
is a mind fuck-fuck game
each action a calculated move
sacrificing pawns to a queen on rampage
but I am not player or plaything

spinning scenarios,or
worse, caught in a groove–
a stylus scraping the same
ridged vinyl of something old and staged–
a diamond worn,

not a glittering gift, but misshaped–
the rasp of a song losing precision with age
and repetition.  There is no blame
assigned to erosion through over-use–
a predicted pattern without escape

but molded forms on poles don’t know free–
any flight illusory.  Wind does not tease sculpted manes
and there is no easing of a bridle turned noose
to choke the guilty or prod what’s unmovable–our circular war waged
and we two the only refugees.

***This draft poem is using a form is  called a Karousel. It is a twenty line poem, four stanzas of five lines each. The rhyme pattern is the following: abcda  ecdbe  fdbcf  gbcdg. The three inner lines (bcd) rotate in each stanza until they circle back to their original bcd form from stanza one. Though each stanza is enclosed in a rhyme, there are no metrical restrictions.

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About Susan L Daniels

I am a firm believer that politics are personal, that faith is expressed through action, and that life is something that must be loved and lived authentically--or why bother with any of it?
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44 Responses to the spin of it (karousel draft for Dverse)

  1. Trent Lewin says:

    How on earth do you know about all these different types of poetry? I didn’t actually know there were so many different kinds, you know, beyond haikus and limericks. Anyway, I like this one, that last line is the equivalent a hook in a great song, really caps the poem and keeps it in your head. Nicely done.

    • Aw, Trent–thanks. I would never attempt forms like these, but the people at Dverse (whose prompts I follow) are always pulling forms out of thin air. Glad you liked this. The only thing I like about the last stanza is the last line–planning on wrestling with it later 😉

  2. claudia says:

    breaking free from the never-ending spin that wears us thin with the years…i like how you embed the karousel into the karousel…really well done

  3. David James says:

    Susan:
    Love the poem. Love the enjambment the most–as one reads it, there’s no hint of a rhyme pattern, which is what I like most about the form. The MUSIC is there, but not the attention drawn to the music. Does that make sense?

    • David, thank you. I really enjoyed working in this form–so glad you cooked it up 😉

      I am going to have to try your weave form, too–I am enchanted with the idea of new forms in poetry, and where they can take us. Wow–as to the music–did I use a completely unintentional apostrophe?

  4. Gay says:

    Agree with the above comments. I always love reading your work. You are a natural – and your form poems so deft that they supersede any poetic form. This poem’s so musical and so magical as to force me to deconstruct to look at the form – well written my friend!

  5. brian miller says:

    oh wow…very cool…some great turns of phrase in this susan…. There is no blame
    assigned to erosion through over-use–
    a predicted pattern without escape…ha, very cool…and david is right…great enjambment…

  6. ruleofstupid says:

    I really like the opening (though it is a sad situ) and the second stanza, but the third seems to wander off and the poem (for me) doesn’t seem to close itself so much as get a bit lost and then end somewhere else. Perhaps this is just testament to the strength of the opening?
    Maybe I’m just never satisfied!

    • or maybe, my wonderful panda, you see why I called it a draft, because while true to form I feel it loses steam halfway through, and will need some rigorous reworking after stanza 2. I need consistency of images and the danmed thing goes from spinning round to burning up 😉

  7. Tony says:

    This is a fine piece of poetry. May I suggest a slight refinement? Thank you 🙂 In the final line of the first stanza I think neither … nor would work better than not … or does. Feel free to ignore this, but please don’t flame me 🙂

    • Oh, I won’t flame you one bit. While I like the last line, the entire third and fourth stanzas are going to have to be reworked–they wander off aimlessly, jabbering in form but going nowhere 😉

  8. Mary says:

    Wonderful use of the form, Susan. It sounds as if this is a poem you needed/ wanted to write…..and the ideas worked well within the form.

  9. Blue Flute says:

    A pleasure to read the music in your form; it conveyed the story well and I felt a sense of dissolution in it.

  10. Grace says:

    I like what you did with the form Susan, specially the third stanza ~ Good job on the enjambment too ~

  11. You’ve done a marvelous job, I really loved this line…
    until we break free–
    float from the ash of what flamed
    and died to ice.

    Wonderful poetry.

  12. Laurie Kolp says:

    This is so lovely and with attitude… gets the point across beautifully.

  13. Evelyn says:

    I always enjoy your work…
    “float from the ash of what flamed
    and died to ice.”
    LOVE this…
    I always find forms like this challenging and inevitably feel that the lines are choppy and disjointed. But I dont sense this in your poem at all, it flows smooth, like a river.
    well done.

  14. unfetteredbs says:

    my favorite line: sacrificing pawns to a queen on rampage
    and I loved the last stanza. You are quite wonderful Susan and as always, I applaud your ability to challenge yourself and try these HARD prompts

  15. what grips me and rivets my attention is the way Susan appeals to our senses in this sad poem – the physical- carnal and the mind (stanza one); sense of sight, hearing and touch (stanza 2); sound and sight (stanza 3; and touch and sight stanza 4. The rich and deliberate exploration of contrasts and the concatenation/juxtaposition of antonyms reveal all the tension and anxiety that we feel when love goes cold or sour, the regret that comes along and the inevitable blame game and name calling! This is a sad poem but there is some poignancy in its sadness, and I say this as I reach out for some kleenex to wipe the moisture from my eyes. Now, Susan, you see what you have done to a 61 year old african male? Hian? Contente de toi-meme? 😉

    • Oh, Noel–je le regrette, un petit peu…Cette poesie est un drill, mais avec plus de la verite. I made the mistake of twisting raw emotion into a form. I prefer you smiling to teary-eyed, bit it is always nice to know how far words can stretch to touch someone, mon ami. Now, there are probably tears of laughter in your eyes, from my awful French!

  16. Reading these poems brings strongly to me all that I have been missing by not having visited this blog for some time now! I am sure work was invented by a group of sadists!

    • Oh, work definitely was invented by sadists, but think of all the good you are doing. You ain’t exactly pulling weeds as employment 😉

      While weed-pulling is necessary, and valuable, you are making a difference in so many young lives through what you do, I hold that work, which keeps you from my blog, in high esteem. Doesn’t mean I don’t miss you and your comments!

  17. I love the final stanza. Powerful. Loved this poem.

  18. nelle says:

    I’ll leave the technical elements to you, but this goes into the ‘I know what I like’ category. Love is one place where I wish it be free form exploration, where everything is possible and the possibilities aren’t all known.

  19. zongrik says:

    the tone in this is so great, but what i like best is that a mind fuck is a Karosel (with a “C”) and you just flipped this form into and onto itself. so cool.

    quantum kisses

  20. rmp says:

    lovely! there is a strong voice in this piece; it flows beautifully with some very interesting images.

  21. This is brilliant. 🙂

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