November turns

november turns
our sauterne sweet
to stern grayness

 

At Dverse we are trying our hands at Than-Bauk, a Burmese climbing rhyme poem.  Each line has four syllables. The rhyme is on the fourth syllable of the first line, the third syllable of the second line, and the second syllable of the third line.  Tougher than it looks to get it to flow naturally.

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About Susan L Daniels

I am a firm believer that politics are personal, that faith is expressed through action, and that life is something that must be loved and lived authentically--or why bother with any of it?
This entry was posted in New Free Verse and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

59 Responses to November turns

  1. boomiebol says:

    Well and nicely done. I just read about it this week and thought hmmm… No thank you, I am not sure I can tackle this yet lol. Will try someday

  2. Green Speck says:

    Good play with the rhymes !!!

  3. brian miller says:

    oh very nice…tight little emotional turn in this…it was so hard to get anything much in so few syllabels and still fit the rhyme scheme…i like yours though…smiles.

    • Oh, thank you, Brian! Yes–when I saw Claudia’s poem, I said–Hey, I can do that, looks easy. NOT! 😉 liked the result, though.

      • I loved yours – tight, metaphoric, and cool. I’m not sure you can’t get a lot in the short form as you can in a well formed haiku or tanka. I went for the chain..it was supremely challenging for me, not the rhymes (they came too easily) but making sense and making it meaningful.

        • Thank you Gay! I loved yours, woven so beautifully. You are so right–the rhyme is easy–getting it all to make sense, not easy in the slightest. This form has a deceptive simplicity to it that I really enjoyed working with.

  4. janehewey says:

    yes! you nailed it. this feels good.

  5. I will have to try this form! Very challenging!

  6. Miriam E. says:

    great imagery… really cool, susan!

  7. Oh, you made the form sing beautifully!

  8. nico says:

    Maybe you struggled writing this, but it reads effortlessly–smooth and lovely. Great work!

  9. Bodhirose says:

    You did this form beautifully, Susan…love it.

  10. Mary says:

    Ha, it was a hard form to work with. It gave me a headache to work with the rhyming. You did well.

  11. Chaty Lorens says:

    You got lovely November going again, Susan. Sauterne sweet. Lovely.

  12. Laurie Kolp says:

    Love this!

  13. Raivenne says:

    Considering the weather here in New York City these past couple of weeks, I’d say this Than Bauk fits my mood to a “T”, Excellent use of the form. A sauterne would bereally nice right about now.

    • Waving at you from the other side of the state… First Sandy, and now snow… Ugh. I was actually planning to meet a friend in NYC the week Sandy hit, and had to stay away… Stay warm and go get yourself a nice bottle of wine (although mulling it might be a good idea).

  14. nelle says:

    November is a reflective month, surrounding natural distractions blunted, allowing for a mental reset to get through the time of limited light. I feel it in your words.

  15. claudia says:

    what a tight and well woven seasonal capture..great job susan

  16. This does it! Nice write.

  17. very cool. Super high marks for fitting sauterne in here so perfectly as well.

  18. unfetteredbs says:

    nice take on the challenge. November really does feel like this–

  19. David King says:

    Crisp and clear to suit the content! Agree completely with your first reply.

  20. This flows smoothly, Susan. 🙂

  21. tashtoo says:

    You guys are going to have me scrapping mine. I found this to be incredibly difficult…LOVE this little weave.

  22. rmp says:

    You definitely make it look easy, though with such a tight form I know it’s not. really lovely imagery in such a few syllables.

  23. Sabio Lantz says:

    I had to look up Sauternes and now I crave it. But if you let it ages, does it turn bad? I guess this is summer turning grey via the hand of fall. But I still can’t stop thinking about the wine. Just shows how damn well you did with this form. Fantastic

  24. Such a nice flow, I just wrote mine, but it doesn’t hold a candle to yours.

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