for beauty’s sake–original and pantoum

So–this is a poem I wrote back in 1985 originally:

A flowershop rosebud opened too soon
your petals crumble to ash
in my palm

traces of gray I carelessly brush
from my fingertips

***and here it is reworked into pantoum form, just for fun.

false as a flowershop rosebud
forced open too soon
your petals dry and crumble
in my palm

forced open too soon
past blooming and palled
in my palm
scent blown off  by breath

past blooming and palled
traces of gray
scent blown off by breath
I brush from my fingertips

traces of gray
your pinks dull to ash, as
I brush from my fingertips
a bloom unfit for keeping

your pinks dull to ash, as
your petals dry and crumble
a bloom unfit for keeping
false as a flowershop rosebud

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About Susan L Daniels

I am a firm believer that politics are personal, that faith is expressed through action, and that life is something that must be loved and lived authentically--or why bother with any of it?
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21 Responses to for beauty’s sake–original and pantoum

  1. Samanthamj says:

    This really worked quite nicely with the pantoum form. Came together perfectly. Thanks.

  2. Rhonda says:

    You know what I’m going to say. I love you original for the thought…I LOVE the new one for the form and the added beauty. You rock this form SFAM.

    Hey, like this look better too. Doesn’t take as long to load either. lol

  3. I’ve said before and will say it again. You do have a way with words that has me enthralled, Susan.

  4. love this poem. Now I have to look up Pantoum! LOL!

  5. unfetteredbs says:

    impressive Susan. I love the way you push yourself and then explode with something great

    • Audra–thank you! I go kicking and screaming the whole way :)

      Glad you think it’s great.

      • unfetteredbs says:

        well you are quite brave…

        • LOL, Audra–I am a bug, huge whiner with any form I take on. I actually welcome the discipline of them, because pre-block, I would never, ever write in any kind of form (including haiku), because I found it too restrictive of my voice :)

          • unfetteredbs says:

            well i am a litte too dense for “form” and ‘structure” hence the texty reading….
            I am more a free flow kinda gal.

            • Your free flow works so well, don’t blame you. Would never have taken on this form if I had to rhyme it or stick to a set meter–no way! So, basically, I followed the form’s repetition but thumbed my nose at tradition by refusing to rhyme :)

  6. nelle says:

    I’d say you have the methodology sussed. :-)

  7. Ian Moone says:

    very nice

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